The Deacon’s Wife

The Tablet 12 January 1991

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Doreen Fothergill

They all surged forward with outstretched arms to embrace my husband during the ceremony of ordination to the permanent diaconate, welcoming him into the great brotherhood of the clergy of whom there seemed to be about 50 in the sanctuary. And there was I, his wife, feeling quite alone in the congregation, even though I had my family round me. Thereafter, of course, my other half was always on the altar. It was strange not having him by my side at Mass, especially when singing hymns – I seemed to lose my courage. When he administered the Host, side by side with the priest one or two of the congregation lined up ahead of me changed sides in the aisle so as to receive from the priest. It hurt a bit. After Mass, when I joined up with John I soon realized that anyone who came up to speak to him, even a priest did not include me; in fact, the shoulder turned slightly against me. I walked away in dismay.

Immediately I began to feel redundant and separated from John. This was terrible. And it went on. We were neither at home together nor working together and social engagements were out. He was of course, still holding down a full-time job as well.

For over three years I had kept quiet at home while he spent nearly all his spare time in study. Though lonely, I had not minded much, for it was in a good cause. Sometimes he discussed some of it with me. There were many good books around now and a few bible commentaries and I myself found them absorbing.

Long before any thought of the diaconate had arisen, we had both been involved in parish work together. We had a vision that the permanent diaconate would open a channel for our work as a couple with the blessing of the Church. But it did not transpire. Obviously I could not share in the special ministry for which John had been anointed – preaching and certain sacraments – but the opportunities seemed there in other respects – preparation of baptism, marriage, counselling. But what he did was asked of him alone. My hopes were dashed.

I could not bear the situation and all but ran away. My health suffered severely in fact, there were many times when John was “carrying” me. But now, some years later, the scars have healed as I have come to realise that the bleeding wounds are Christ’s to bear. I have grown and overcome, and maybe we will be a better pair if we are ever called to work together in the future. But these difficult years since ordination have been so unnecessary and such a waste of potential.

John has a ministry now inside the parish. My life is more outside it. We are, so to speak, “divorced” by the very institution, which teaches the sanctity of marriage. “What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” And yet, on reflection, maybe our vision of life as permanent deacon and wife did not tally with what the Lord intended for us.

My commitment now is to uphold John in prayer, to affirm him as a person, to support him in his work and discuss it with him when he wants; to be the chief critic of his sermons; and to keep the home running. John always says that we are a basic community, so we pray together whenever possible and minister to each other.

I do not wish to be exalted in any way: I am a servant and wish to remain so. But to be recognised and used as part of the married diaconate I believe is my due. Things are better now. Our lives are quite well balanced, and we manage to undertake the occasional social arrangements, have an open-ended day out together, or visit the family. I would suggest that a syllabus for training of candidates for the diaconate be drawn up to cover a section for the candidate and his wife together, which should cover vocational, practical and spiritual aspects, with options, particularly with the wife in mind, for special courses such as bereavement counselling.

Liaison between priests and deacons and their wives is a very important part of the permanent diaconate. At present some clergy have difficulty in accepting the role of the deacons, and it is even more rare for a priest to accept the ministry of a deacon and his wife. I believe that with prayer, patience and co-operation a good, helpful community spirit could evolve and an effective ministry result.

The facts speak for themselves. Here are men, coming up to middle age or more, who have experienced the rigours of a full-time job (and often still do), yet are responding wholeheartedly to the call of the Lord, and giving the rest of their time and lives to the Church with the full support and assistance of their wives. They deserve a full response from the Church.

Doreen Fothergill